[Wasted letters. They should bounce back and get received here on the family computer in front of God and everyone...........]
My answer is you still caused a mess.
[He's had some time to get over the initial everything, so he just leans back with a sigh.]
As a younger man, I had maybe one crush, but I have... never really been in love before, [he is fine saying this because he has been honest a few times already, so the embarrassment is less] nor have I ever kissed anyone.
So your arrows left me confused when they wore off. I liked Sidon because nothing exactly changed for him, I don't think, and he shows his feelings freely. But... in the middle of this, Lucien decided to be interested for some reason, too. Then it was... fine, I thought. I died, that was that. But then... Sidon died, and he told me he loved me. And things may have been easier if not for the fact I was dead and could not really speak to Lucien like I wanted.
Oh yes. Lucien threw a huge tantrum when he managed to summon me for the second time because Sidon approached him to talk about it when we appeared that Wednesday digitally. Since... I had spoken to Sidon already about wanting to wait to speak to Lucien.
[He tips his head so he can rub a temple.]
It didn't help that whatever was happening that week made me write some stupid letter about loving Lucien to him, and, of course, he gets it right before the summon.
Then I had to come back and explain everything to Sidon and tell him we should be friends because [gestures at nothing, but it's lucien] and also his station in life terrifies me.
[ this just keeps getting worse. help. owner just nods his head along as he listens... it really is a wonder of how chaotic this got despite viktor dying week 1. ]
[So many people here, him included, don't know SHIT about love, help. He is quiet for a long moment, thoughtful.]
At first... I did. I felt... so confused and out of control. I felt blind. I didn't know what anything meant, and it was hard reading things... from others.
But... no, actually. Sidon's honesty taught me... a lot of things I'll never be able to repay him for, even if he won't ever understand. I appreciated how outspoken he was; I didn't have to guess, or stumble around in the dark.
It was easier to... navigate what Lucien wasn't saying when I knew to pay attention.
[ well, that makes sense for sidon. he has always been positive, and even during the times where he was struggling to remain so, you could still feel that open energy from him. ]
I see. [ ... ] Viktor-sama, I know I did not mean to cause all of this, but things happen. I am just glad that you are working with what happened.
The same reason his station worries me. Because... we are very different, from very different worlds.
[He frowns.]
I grew up extremely poor in a place very polluted. I can't... fathom myself standing with him when he is a prince. Ruling a kingdom in the future? What... good am I to that? It's far out of my league.
That isn't even touching our lifespans... or... my body. Being sick, being mostly broken.
[ he moves to stand up and walk over to one of the koi ponds. he kneels down in front of it. ]
What if your lifespans were the same then. But then an accident occurs, and he dies before you. What would you do then? In the end, even if you were both human, the chances of you both spending the rest of your lives together are slim. Anything can cut the string of your existence-- something as simple as tripping down the stairs.
[The movement makes him glance at Owner, and he watches quietly.]
I think the difference is... knowing ahead of time. I don't disagree. We could... die at any point. Clearly...
But knowing already that I am terminal, and then choosing to make him... watch someone he would love suffer and wither away. I couldn't. Lucien at least... understands what it's like in a way.
I mean, in the end, they already love you. The only difference is that in one scenario, you die and they are not with you, and in the other you die and they are with you. They love you, and death is there.
I don't think either of them even think about it, or care. And I just... can't understand why? Why?
Death is... all I can ever think about. The fact I'm dying in... not even a year or two outside of here.
And worse... the point in which I left, I was... dead twice over. Something was... exploding on us in that room. I was dying. So isn't this all pointless to me anyway?
But you are still here right now, yes? We may not be our real selves on this side, so I think you might as well figure things out with the time you still have to spend with them. If you are going to die anyway, and he will also die anyway in the end, then do what you can.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Well, I had to escape at some point!
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He joins Owner because his body is garbage and standing forever hurts.]
It's difficult to do here sometimes. Especially after you arrive.
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[ scien did not care emotionally at all but he did keep wanting to play tetris so ]
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Death apparently changes a lot of things, and I still don't understand some of them.
[He rests the cane inward between his legs.]
I used all my letters, so I couldn't send you an explanation. I guess you wouldn't have received it anyway.
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[ he supposes it's fine, since they can just tell him in person... but it feels like a waste. ]
What is your answer?
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My answer is you still caused a mess.
[He's had some time to get over the initial everything, so he just leans back with a sigh.]
As a younger man, I had maybe one crush, but I have... never really been in love before, [he is fine saying this because he has been honest a few times already, so the embarrassment is less] nor have I ever kissed anyone.
So your arrows left me confused when they wore off. I liked Sidon because nothing exactly changed for him, I don't think, and he shows his feelings freely. But... in the middle of this, Lucien decided to be interested for some reason, too. Then it was... fine, I thought. I died, that was that. But then... Sidon died, and he told me he loved me. And things may have been easier if not for the fact I was dead and could not really speak to Lucien like I wanted.
It felt cruel to both of them.
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owner just listens though. ]
... I see. Were you able to talk things out?
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Oh yes. Lucien threw a huge tantrum when he managed to summon me for the second time because Sidon approached him to talk about it when we appeared that Wednesday digitally. Since... I had spoken to Sidon already about wanting to wait to speak to Lucien.
[He tips his head so he can rub a temple.]
It didn't help that whatever was happening that week made me write some stupid letter about loving Lucien to him, and, of course, he gets it right before the summon.
Then I had to come back and explain everything to Sidon and tell him we should be friends because [gestures at nothing, but it's lucien] and also his station in life terrifies me.
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And now you are currently friends?
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Yes. Sidon and I are friends.
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[ he looks over at a spot of flowers. ]
I am afraid a lot of this is beyond me. Love. But... do you regret feeling it?
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At first... I did. I felt... so confused and out of control. I felt blind. I didn't know what anything meant, and it was hard reading things... from others.
But... no, actually. Sidon's honesty taught me... a lot of things I'll never be able to repay him for, even if he won't ever understand. I appreciated how outspoken he was; I didn't have to guess, or stumble around in the dark.
It was easier to... navigate what Lucien wasn't saying when I knew to pay attention.
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I see. [ ... ] Viktor-sama, I know I did not mean to cause all of this, but things happen. I am just glad that you are working with what happened.
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I was pretty mad with you for a bit, I'll be honest. I don't think Sidon should have been linked to someone like me, is all.
There are much better people for him to have feelings for than someone like me.
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he tilts his head. ]
Why do you think that?
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[He frowns.]
I grew up extremely poor in a place very polluted. I can't... fathom myself standing with him when he is a prince. Ruling a kingdom in the future? What... good am I to that? It's far out of my league.
That isn't even touching our lifespans... or... my body. Being sick, being mostly broken.
I just couldn't do that to him.
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[ he moves to stand up and walk over to one of the koi ponds. he kneels down in front of it. ]
What if your lifespans were the same then. But then an accident occurs, and he dies before you. What would you do then? In the end, even if you were both human, the chances of you both spending the rest of your lives together are slim. Anything can cut the string of your existence-- something as simple as tripping down the stairs.
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I think the difference is... knowing ahead of time. I don't disagree. We could... die at any point. Clearly...
But knowing already that I am terminal, and then choosing to make him... watch someone he would love suffer and wither away. I couldn't. Lucien at least... understands what it's like in a way.
But I don't want to do that to him either.
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I mean, in the end, they already love you. The only difference is that in one scenario, you die and they are not with you, and in the other you die and they are with you. They love you, and death is there.
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I don't think either of them even think about it, or care. And I just... can't understand why? Why?
Death is... all I can ever think about. The fact I'm dying in... not even a year or two outside of here.
And worse... the point in which I left, I was... dead twice over. Something was... exploding on us in that room. I was dying. So isn't this all pointless to me anyway?
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But you are still here right now, yes? We may not be our real selves on this side, so I think you might as well figure things out with the time you still have to spend with them. If you are going to die anyway, and he will also die anyway in the end, then do what you can.
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You have really started the whole mess of complicating my entire life. It was already complicated enough.
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For once, my meddling was not on purpose.
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For once.
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[ it's how he runs his business. ]
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