[ this just keeps getting worse. help. owner just nods his head along as he listens... it really is a wonder of how chaotic this got despite viktor dying week 1. ]
[So many people here, him included, don't know SHIT about love, help. He is quiet for a long moment, thoughtful.]
At first... I did. I felt... so confused and out of control. I felt blind. I didn't know what anything meant, and it was hard reading things... from others.
But... no, actually. Sidon's honesty taught me... a lot of things I'll never be able to repay him for, even if he won't ever understand. I appreciated how outspoken he was; I didn't have to guess, or stumble around in the dark.
It was easier to... navigate what Lucien wasn't saying when I knew to pay attention.
[ well, that makes sense for sidon. he has always been positive, and even during the times where he was struggling to remain so, you could still feel that open energy from him. ]
I see. [ ... ] Viktor-sama, I know I did not mean to cause all of this, but things happen. I am just glad that you are working with what happened.
The same reason his station worries me. Because... we are very different, from very different worlds.
[He frowns.]
I grew up extremely poor in a place very polluted. I can't... fathom myself standing with him when he is a prince. Ruling a kingdom in the future? What... good am I to that? It's far out of my league.
That isn't even touching our lifespans... or... my body. Being sick, being mostly broken.
[ he moves to stand up and walk over to one of the koi ponds. he kneels down in front of it. ]
What if your lifespans were the same then. But then an accident occurs, and he dies before you. What would you do then? In the end, even if you were both human, the chances of you both spending the rest of your lives together are slim. Anything can cut the string of your existence-- something as simple as tripping down the stairs.
[The movement makes him glance at Owner, and he watches quietly.]
I think the difference is... knowing ahead of time. I don't disagree. We could... die at any point. Clearly...
But knowing already that I am terminal, and then choosing to make him... watch someone he would love suffer and wither away. I couldn't. Lucien at least... understands what it's like in a way.
I mean, in the end, they already love you. The only difference is that in one scenario, you die and they are not with you, and in the other you die and they are with you. They love you, and death is there.
I don't think either of them even think about it, or care. And I just... can't understand why? Why?
Death is... all I can ever think about. The fact I'm dying in... not even a year or two outside of here.
And worse... the point in which I left, I was... dead twice over. Something was... exploding on us in that room. I was dying. So isn't this all pointless to me anyway?
But you are still here right now, yes? We may not be our real selves on this side, so I think you might as well figure things out with the time you still have to spend with them. If you are going to die anyway, and he will also die anyway in the end, then do what you can.
There is nothing else I want. I do not need money, or land, or power. But I cannot simply offer my services for free-- that is asking to be taken advantage of, especially by those who want those aforementioned things.
People will always try to take advantage of you. That is simply a consequence of interacting with others. However, whether or not they succeed is a different story.
[ they can try! but owner has seniority in manipulation and gaslighting, thank you ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And now you are currently friends?
no subject
Yes. Sidon and I are friends.
no subject
[ he looks over at a spot of flowers. ]
I am afraid a lot of this is beyond me. Love. But... do you regret feeling it?
no subject
At first... I did. I felt... so confused and out of control. I felt blind. I didn't know what anything meant, and it was hard reading things... from others.
But... no, actually. Sidon's honesty taught me... a lot of things I'll never be able to repay him for, even if he won't ever understand. I appreciated how outspoken he was; I didn't have to guess, or stumble around in the dark.
It was easier to... navigate what Lucien wasn't saying when I knew to pay attention.
no subject
I see. [ ... ] Viktor-sama, I know I did not mean to cause all of this, but things happen. I am just glad that you are working with what happened.
no subject
I was pretty mad with you for a bit, I'll be honest. I don't think Sidon should have been linked to someone like me, is all.
There are much better people for him to have feelings for than someone like me.
no subject
he tilts his head. ]
Why do you think that?
no subject
[He frowns.]
I grew up extremely poor in a place very polluted. I can't... fathom myself standing with him when he is a prince. Ruling a kingdom in the future? What... good am I to that? It's far out of my league.
That isn't even touching our lifespans... or... my body. Being sick, being mostly broken.
I just couldn't do that to him.
no subject
[ he moves to stand up and walk over to one of the koi ponds. he kneels down in front of it. ]
What if your lifespans were the same then. But then an accident occurs, and he dies before you. What would you do then? In the end, even if you were both human, the chances of you both spending the rest of your lives together are slim. Anything can cut the string of your existence-- something as simple as tripping down the stairs.
no subject
I think the difference is... knowing ahead of time. I don't disagree. We could... die at any point. Clearly...
But knowing already that I am terminal, and then choosing to make him... watch someone he would love suffer and wither away. I couldn't. Lucien at least... understands what it's like in a way.
But I don't want to do that to him either.
no subject
I mean, in the end, they already love you. The only difference is that in one scenario, you die and they are not with you, and in the other you die and they are with you. They love you, and death is there.
no subject
I don't think either of them even think about it, or care. And I just... can't understand why? Why?
Death is... all I can ever think about. The fact I'm dying in... not even a year or two outside of here.
And worse... the point in which I left, I was... dead twice over. Something was... exploding on us in that room. I was dying. So isn't this all pointless to me anyway?
no subject
But you are still here right now, yes? We may not be our real selves on this side, so I think you might as well figure things out with the time you still have to spend with them. If you are going to die anyway, and he will also die anyway in the end, then do what you can.
no subject
You have really started the whole mess of complicating my entire life. It was already complicated enough.
no subject
For once, my meddling was not on purpose.
no subject
For once.
no subject
[ it's how he runs his business. ]
no subject
[Demons are so damn nosy all the time.]
Isn't it a little unfair to probably have so many secrets yourself, but you keep trying to get everyone else's?
no subject
he tilts his head. ]
How so?
no subject
Because it is just unfair. [LOOK.] Why secrets...? Is it really... just sustenance and "helping"?
no subject
So, secrets.
no subject
Well. Scratch that, he has more dealings in the occult and secrets now because of the Core, but whatever.]
I see. Do people often try to take advantage of you?
no subject
[ they can try! but owner has seniority in manipulation and gaslighting, thank you ]
no subject
You make it sound so easy not to be on the bottom rung of the ladder. I guess that's true for a person who can summon many arms...?
no subject
[ that is the scientific way to explain it. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)