[He is, for some idiot reason, not expecting the blast of exasperated concern from Sidon, so he looks absolutely startled when he is forced to look. His cheeks are squished in and up. He blinks rapidly.
It dawns on him suddenly that Sidon is actually really worried!]
I...
[WELL, Sidon has him there. His face gets hot, and he rests a hand on Sidon's forearm.]
[ he doesn't get like this very often, but sometimes your mg bestie is just so stupid. of course he's worried. he has spent weeks demonstrating how worried he can get? he hasn't really seen him in a week, that doesn't help. emotions are broadcasting as fretful. ]
I am right! Try to think about that next time you consider putting yourself in harm's way.
[ he lets his face go but resumes an old post of resting his head on him instead, sighing. ]
[A long but quiet sigh of resignation. He has been bullied into behaving, he guesses. HE DOESN'T MISBEHAVE INTENTIONALLY. He is just a silly little science man about things.]
I'll think of it.
[Now he won't think about anything but Sidon peering down at him with disappointed scrutiny... He supports the weight, rubbing one of his cheeks with a few fingers.]
I know. Sorry. I don't want anyone else to get hurt, but always... just thought it was fine with me. For reasons. I mean--not that I think that now!
[ he is a silly little science man. may he be haunted by the threat of disappointment. ]
Is that so?
[ he snorts, not the type to ever roll his eyes but there's a certain dryness to his voice. he does think viktor has gotten better though. his face fin flutters a bit where it's trapped between his cheek and viktor's hair. ]
I think you still think that, sometimes. But I acknowledge that it's gotten better. [ reluctantly, he realizes these changes don't happen overnight. he wishes they could, for viktor's sake. there's a pause. then, teasing: ] A week apart and you've forgotten how much I care! I'm wounded, Viktor.
The way he kind of stiffens in sheepish panic at the accusation, though he squints an eye at the tickle of the fin.]
I haven't! I remember... There is... just... only so much I can do, I feel. I don't have magical abilities, or anything like that to help find answers. I have the Core, but... I'd rather utilize as little of the Core as possible since it's so dangerous.
[When in doubt, be stupid and eat bad food.]
We don't have our labs anymore, and the engineering room is difficult to access and build within without becoming ill, so... It's difficult to contribute.
[He sighs, feeling embarrassed he has off-loaded this onto Sidon.]
Sorry. I didn't mean to, um, dump my problems onto you when we have bigger things to worry about here.
he nuzzles him aggressively, in both chiding and encouragement. ]
Don't apologize! Be honest with me. I'm grateful you feel you can talk about these things.
[ he likes when people are open enough with him to complain and vent. he settles and hums. ]
I often find myself thinking a sharp mind is more useful than a sharp blade here—you can contribute with ideas, approaches to things... collaboration. I've always turned to you when I don't know what to do next, or what to make of something.
[ if anything, he's felt pretty useless here, so he understands the scramble to make oneself productive. but viktor has no reason to feel that way. he does not want him to get antsy and think that he needs to use this stupid cube. ]
Maybe it's that—you feel like you need to contribute more than most? [ viktor your self worth ]
[Aaaaaaaaaaaaa. He can't do anything except accept the loving assault. It makes his hair look ridiculous, of course, but it's fine.]
I'm not sure why. You're very skilled at rallying others and knowing exactly what to say in the moment. I think that's something.
[Very Jayce of him. Why are jocks always the same...]
...I guess so. I know I'm... I'm aware I can build and tinker and things like that, but I understand how Todomatsu must feel. A bit out of their element. Even making Hextech... I couldn't ever control the arcane. It was just utilizing the energy in the crystals. Anyway, [more resolutely:] yes. I don't want to not contribute.
[ don't worry there's plenty of jocks out there that are terrible to talk to. jock variety. there's another fin twitch, for a different reason. ]
Hah—I only wish I always had the right thing to say.
[ he doesn't have confidence issues, he's just very aware he hasn't been able to connect with everyone here. finding the right words can be so difficult. ]
I do understand. I haven't felt "in" my element since as long as I've been here... [ easy to feel helpless. in any case, ] I would never ask you to stop trying to help others—it is something I admire about you. But... your worth is more than your accomplishments, all right?
[ he doesn't want him to resort to desperate measures, like eating mystery meat or, gestures to hex core, just to validate his presence here. this is also why he gives him the astropulvis assignment directly. ]
You've charmed a lot of people here just being yourself, you know. [Sidon isn't the only stubborn fuck out here, okay.] There are plenty of us who wish we had the same kind of confidence you possess. Not just in ourselves, but in others, too.
[He reaches up to squeeze Sidon's hand.]
I know... You're asking a lot of a dying man who probably won't leave much of a legacy behind. You know. Easily forgotten in the world and all that.
stop trying to gas him up, he's going to get an ego. it's easy to have confidence in all of them because this is an extremely cool and sexy group of people. no one here has ever failed his expectations, least of all viktor.
but he does like to say the most alarming things. he takes his hand, but also uses it to draw him into a hug. ]
...Have you decided what you'll do at the end of this? [ he's sure they'll make it through this. ] There's clearly technology here that's had an effect. And if you met with the Domain's healers—I think they could help you.
[Not it being week, like, 7 and he is still bewildered why Sidon wants to hug him. Hilarious.
He returns Sidon's hug, but keeps his face hidden.]
Actually... I talked to Lucien... about the two of us going with you. If... that's okay. I don't know if he will... I let the choice be his since he said Throné and Temenos extended an invitation to him as well.
[He is NOT sure they will make it through this.]
As for me... I don't know yet. About my illness. I never thought it would be so easy to... cure. The way everyone makes it seem. Spells, and machines, and all of that. I'm not sure what I will do.
[ truly no one is dumber than viktor arcane. meanwhile sidon's just gotten used to hugging people, even if it's not something he overly indulged in back home. it's a more complete expression of affection than just words. he settles there, holding him. ]
Of course! I told Lucien he was welcome, if he so wishes. [ he's doesn't know if he'll take the offer either, but it's there if they want it. ] My doors are always open.
[ for when they DEFINITELY survive this final boss fight. ]
...I don't know how simple it will be. [ maybe if mipha was here. ] Even so, a new world is new opportunity for cures. We can take you away from your corrupted waters, get healing, drink new medicines! [ ... ] If you're all right with trying, and hoping, that is. You do have an incredible will to live.
[Sidon widdling Lucien's stupid purple ass down by killing the guy with kindness. There are feelings of relief brushing in by the reluctance. He is not sure how... both Lucien and Sidon have such a way of telling him things confidently enough that he simply has nothing left but to accept them.
He really accepts the things they say so easily. They can, they will, all of that.]
I... wanted to do it myself. Especially after... um, Scien. [He still hasn't forgotten Scien's words to him because words stick, words linger.] But I don't know... if I can. I don't know if I will have enough time.
This may be the only chance I have depending on how things go.
[ he doubts he's making progress with lucien but he also cannot read his cat behaviors at all. in any case, it's called having so much unwarranted confidence that other people believe you. this may be true in both cases.
or sometimes you just believe in people who have your best interests at heart, and vice versa. ]
...It's only natural you'd want to save yourself. [ there is a wrinkle of wobbly, unpleasant emotion at the mention of scien, because sidon doesn't hold grudges but. he did punch a guy out over this. ] But accepting help is still a choice you make. So don't feel too helpless if you opt to accept another's hand.
[ there's no shame in buying extra time with what people offer. though his emotions are verging on something rare and—fearful, here. ]
Sidon has some mild guilt back--at the first half. The way Viktor doesn't even know Sidon punched Scien for him, very hilarious. The way he has not told Lucien that happened either.]
I know... In the end, I would rather... live a normal lifespan than not, so... I will... think about it.
[He leans back and tips his head. HELLO? He has never felt Sidon feel fearful, he doesn't think. Except maybe the time when he had come back and had to fucking die on him; he could tell there was some fear then.]
[ listen. sidon told him he would, and he's not one to go back on a promise. a threat? comeuppance. whatever it was.
there's some relief at viktor's decision, then a blink of surprise. sidon's usually brave, and in the rare instance he isn't, it's usually not so obvious as to be called out, erring towards excess caution and timidity than abject terror. but now he looks uncertain; maybe viktor can use his giant science brain to piece the connections together, between him dying and a conversation about him dying. ]
Ah, it's nothing.
[ I don't want you to die.
anyway a void opens i will finally give you a memshare even though trial is here. gooby ]
[kills you for giving me this during the very start of endgame SLITS YOUR THROAT
He really... realizes in this moment, he does not know hardly anything about Sidon's past, or family, or lineage. The guilt of understanding he had never really bothered to question Sidon out of respect swells up in him as the memory fades.
The anxiety makes a lot more sense now. Sidon's worry over him, the true fear he remembers from Sidon after coming back. It makes sense.
He puts a gentle hand on Sidon's arm, frozen in uncertainty for a long moment.]
[ i've never done anything wrong in my LIFE also give me an endgame pc
anyway, that's not viktor's fault; he's not one to talk about these things naturally. he has the social grace to dodge bringing up an awkward conversational subject such as dead family members most of the time. it's kind of nice, actually, being in a place where his greatest loss isn't flagrantly public knowledge, a notch in the timeline of an entire species.
he briefly winces as the void fades again, though it evens out when he pats viktor's hand. ]
It's all right, my friend. It was a hundred years ago now.
[ which is an entire human lifespan, if he recalls correctly. ]
He does not remove his hand. And, actually, he doesn't stop from looking at Sidon directly.]
It doesn't matter how long it's been. Things like that don't just disappear with time.
[They get better to endure, sure, but they do not go away. He is not going to sit here and think that Sky's death is going to vanish from his mind if he lived to be eighty.]
[ it's rare that viktor maintains eye contact like this, but his determination when it's time to be kind is always impressive.
besides, he's right. ]
...No, they don't.
[ grief is something that gets easier, smaller, but not really any less potent. it can rise right back up, as sudden as a storm at sea. and when it doesn't hurt, it shapes you—molds fears and goals and expectations. like now. is it okay? it is what it is. ]
I can talk of my sister with fondness and laughter now, as she deserves. But her loss will never leave me. [ he pauses. ruffles viktor's hair in a familiar way, now, with a tired but genuine fondness. ] It makes me overbearing at times, I think. I hope you will endure it.
[NOT THE RUFFLE. His hair just sticks up even more than it was already sticking up probably. It's fine. He doesn't even bother trying to fix it. He has given up on that.]
I'll endure.
[It's nice, he's learned... to... have people who will care about you regardless of whether or not you think you deserve it at all. It's nice. He's... slowly starting to accept that from others without immense shame and guilt.]
She was lovely. From what I saw. I would have liked to meet her. [A weak smile.] I think she would be very proud of you, Sidon. You are someone to be proud of.
[ if you're done with game tags forever that's fine anna, as i let out a death rattle and take a break from my tlcrs
they've really come a long way if viktor can accept a kind word without argument or deeply internalized shame. he'll have to endure this forever now that we know he's going to be healthy. though this time it's his turn to be a little embarrassed, actually. ]
You're my friend! You're obliged to say as much.
[ ...still, he's obviously pleased to hear it. unfortunate as it is, he does want to make his very dead sister happy. ]
The two of you would've gotten along. Despite your stubbornness, she'd probably have convinced you to take better care of yourself. [ healer instinct. she helped link stay alive, and that guy is always right about to die. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He is, for some idiot reason, not expecting the blast of exasperated concern from Sidon, so he looks absolutely startled when he is forced to look. His cheeks are squished in and up. He blinks rapidly.
It dawns on him suddenly that Sidon is actually really worried!]
I...
[WELL, Sidon has him there. His face gets hot, and he rests a hand on Sidon's forearm.]
...I'm sorry, you're right.
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I am right! Try to think about that next time you consider putting yourself in harm's way.
[ he lets his face go but resumes an old post of resting his head on him instead, sighing. ]
You are such a hypocrite sometimes, my friend.
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I'll think of it.
[Now he won't think about anything but Sidon peering down at him with disappointed scrutiny... He supports the weight, rubbing one of his cheeks with a few fingers.]
I know. Sorry. I don't want anyone else to get hurt, but always... just thought it was fine with me. For reasons. I mean--not that I think that now!
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Is that so?
[ he snorts, not the type to ever roll his eyes but there's a certain dryness to his voice. he does think viktor has gotten better though. his face fin flutters a bit where it's trapped between his cheek and viktor's hair. ]
I think you still think that, sometimes. But I acknowledge that it's gotten better. [ reluctantly, he realizes these changes don't happen overnight. he wishes they could, for viktor's sake. there's a pause. then, teasing: ] A week apart and you've forgotten how much I care! I'm wounded, Viktor.
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The way he kind of stiffens in sheepish panic at the accusation, though he squints an eye at the tickle of the fin.]
I haven't! I remember... There is... just... only so much I can do, I feel. I don't have magical abilities, or anything like that to help find answers. I have the Core, but... I'd rather utilize as little of the Core as possible since it's so dangerous.
[When in doubt, be stupid and eat bad food.]
We don't have our labs anymore, and the engineering room is difficult to access and build within without becoming ill, so... It's difficult to contribute.
[He sighs, feeling embarrassed he has off-loaded this onto Sidon.]
Sorry. I didn't mean to, um, dump my problems onto you when we have bigger things to worry about here.
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he nuzzles him aggressively, in both chiding and encouragement. ]
Don't apologize! Be honest with me. I'm grateful you feel you can talk about these things.
[ he likes when people are open enough with him to complain and vent. he settles and hums. ]
I often find myself thinking a sharp mind is more useful than a sharp blade here—you can contribute with ideas, approaches to things... collaboration. I've always turned to you when I don't know what to do next, or what to make of something.
[ if anything, he's felt pretty useless here, so he understands the scramble to make oneself productive. but viktor has no reason to feel that way. he does not want him to get antsy and think that he needs to use this stupid cube. ]
Maybe it's that—you feel like you need to contribute more than most? [ viktor your self worth ]
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I'm not sure why. You're very skilled at rallying others and knowing exactly what to say in the moment. I think that's something.
[Very Jayce of him. Why are jocks always the same...]
...I guess so. I know I'm... I'm aware I can build and tinker and things like that, but I understand how Todomatsu must feel. A bit out of their element. Even making Hextech... I couldn't ever control the arcane. It was just utilizing the energy in the crystals. Anyway, [more resolutely:] yes. I don't want to not contribute.
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Hah—I only wish I always had the right thing to say.
[ he doesn't have confidence issues, he's just very aware he hasn't been able to connect with everyone here. finding the right words can be so difficult. ]
I do understand. I haven't felt "in" my element since as long as I've been here... [ easy to feel helpless. in any case, ] I would never ask you to stop trying to help others—it is something I admire about you. But... your worth is more than your accomplishments, all right?
[ he doesn't want him to resort to desperate measures, like eating mystery meat or, gestures to hex core, just to validate his presence here. this is also why he gives him the astropulvis assignment directly. ]
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You've charmed a lot of people here just being yourself, you know. [Sidon isn't the only stubborn fuck out here, okay.] There are plenty of us who wish we had the same kind of confidence you possess. Not just in ourselves, but in others, too.
[He reaches up to squeeze Sidon's hand.]
I know... You're asking a lot of a dying man who probably won't leave much of a legacy behind. You know. Easily forgotten in the world and all that.
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stop trying to gas him up, he's going to get an ego. it's easy to have confidence in all of them because this is an extremely cool and sexy group of people. no one here has ever failed his expectations, least of all viktor.
but he does like to say the most alarming things. he takes his hand, but also uses it to draw him into a hug. ]
...Have you decided what you'll do at the end of this? [ he's sure they'll make it through this. ] There's clearly technology here that's had an effect. And if you met with the Domain's healers—I think they could help you.
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He returns Sidon's hug, but keeps his face hidden.]
Actually... I talked to Lucien... about the two of us going with you. If... that's okay. I don't know if he will... I let the choice be his since he said Throné and Temenos extended an invitation to him as well.
[He is NOT sure they will make it through this.]
As for me... I don't know yet. About my illness. I never thought it would be so easy to... cure. The way everyone makes it seem. Spells, and machines, and all of that. I'm not sure what I will do.
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Of course! I told Lucien he was welcome, if he so wishes. [ he's doesn't know if he'll take the offer either, but it's there if they want it. ] My doors are always open.
[ for when they DEFINITELY survive this final boss fight. ]
...I don't know how simple it will be. [ maybe if mipha was here. ] Even so, a new world is new opportunity for cures. We can take you away from your corrupted waters, get healing, drink new medicines! [ ... ] If you're all right with trying, and hoping, that is. You do have an incredible will to live.
[ must be kind of overwhelming, though. ]
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He really accepts the things they say so easily. They can, they will, all of that.]
I... wanted to do it myself. Especially after... um, Scien. [He still hasn't forgotten Scien's words to him because words stick, words linger.] But I don't know... if I can. I don't know if I will have enough time.
This may be the only chance I have depending on how things go.
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or sometimes you just believe in people who have your best interests at heart, and vice versa. ]
...It's only natural you'd want to save yourself. [ there is a wrinkle of wobbly, unpleasant emotion at the mention of scien, because sidon doesn't hold grudges but. he did punch a guy out over this. ] But accepting help is still a choice you make. So don't feel too helpless if you opt to accept another's hand.
[ there's no shame in buying extra time with what people offer. though his emotions are verging on something rare and—fearful, here. ]
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Sidon has some mild guilt back--at the first half. The way Viktor doesn't even know Sidon punched Scien for him, very hilarious. The way he has not told Lucien that happened either.]
I know... In the end, I would rather... live a normal lifespan than not, so... I will... think about it.
[He leans back and tips his head. HELLO? He has never felt Sidon feel fearful, he doesn't think. Except maybe the time when he had come back and had to fucking die on him; he could tell there was some fear then.]
What's wrong?
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there's some relief at viktor's decision, then a blink of surprise. sidon's usually brave, and in the rare instance he isn't, it's usually not so obvious as to be called out, erring towards excess caution and timidity than abject terror. but now he looks uncertain; maybe viktor can use his giant science brain to piece the connections together, between him dying and a conversation about him dying. ]
Ah, it's nothing.
[ I don't want you to die.
anyway a void opens i will finally give you a memshare even though trial is here. gooby ]
no subject
He really... realizes in this moment, he does not know hardly anything about Sidon's past, or family, or lineage. The guilt of understanding he had never really bothered to question Sidon out of respect swells up in him as the memory fades.
The anxiety makes a lot more sense now. Sidon's worry over him, the true fear he remembers from Sidon after coming back. It makes sense.
He puts a gentle hand on Sidon's arm, frozen in uncertainty for a long moment.]
Sidon... I'm sorry.
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anyway, that's not viktor's fault; he's not one to talk about these things naturally. he has the social grace to dodge bringing up an awkward conversational subject such as dead family members most of the time. it's kind of nice, actually, being in a place where his greatest loss isn't flagrantly public knowledge, a notch in the timeline of an entire species.
he briefly winces as the void fades again, though it evens out when he pats viktor's hand. ]
It's all right, my friend. It was a hundred years ago now.
[ which is an entire human lifespan, if he recalls correctly. ]
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He does not remove his hand. And, actually, he doesn't stop from looking at Sidon directly.]
It doesn't matter how long it's been. Things like that don't just disappear with time.
[They get better to endure, sure, but they do not go away. He is not going to sit here and think that Sky's death is going to vanish from his mind if he lived to be eighty.]
And that's okay.
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besides, he's right. ]
...No, they don't.
[ grief is something that gets easier, smaller, but not really any less potent. it can rise right back up, as sudden as a storm at sea. and when it doesn't hurt, it shapes you—molds fears and goals and expectations. like now. is it okay? it is what it is. ]
I can talk of my sister with fondness and laughter now, as she deserves. But her loss will never leave me. [ he pauses. ruffles viktor's hair in a familiar way, now, with a tired but genuine fondness. ] It makes me overbearing at times, I think. I hope you will endure it.
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I'll endure.
[It's nice, he's learned... to... have people who will care about you regardless of whether or not you think you deserve it at all. It's nice. He's... slowly starting to accept that from others without immense shame and guilt.]
She was lovely. From what I saw. I would have liked to meet her. [A weak smile.] I think she would be very proud of you, Sidon. You are someone to be proud of.
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they've really come a long way if viktor can accept a kind word without argument or deeply internalized shame. he'll have to endure this forever now that we know he's going to be healthy. though this time it's his turn to be a little embarrassed, actually. ]
You're my friend! You're obliged to say as much.
[ ...still, he's obviously pleased to hear it. unfortunate as it is, he does want to make his very dead sister happy. ]
The two of you would've gotten along. Despite your stubbornness, she'd probably have convinced you to take better care of yourself. [ healer instinct. she helped link stay alive, and that guy is always right about to die. ]