what he sees past the door is—...it's a crime, isn't it? against this creature, whose suffering that viktor had seen and felt and embraced with mercy for a moment. it's alive, but at what cost? not for its own sake. he doubts it's even really there anymore, just a mutation in a tank.
would it have been all right, if it was a river salamander? a fish? a zora, a human? at what point can he understand?
he doesn't flinch when the memory ends and the scenery recedes into the cave again, dark and foreboding. he reaches out to grab him. ]
[ yeah he rips off viktor's arm. no, he just holds it for a second, studying him in the dark. it's not a gentle grip—he doesn't know how to turn his gaze any less intense, stark when his characteristic cheerfulness isn't there.
after a moment, he drops to a knee before him. ]
A memory. It's only a memory.
[ and he gathers him up into a hug, because so few people on this godforsaken ship will otherwise. he rests his chin carefully against viktor's shoulder, looking out over the cave still. ]
[It isn't even the worst one, he knows. But the implications. Arriving in the man's lab and understanding. Running to the most questionable place for answers, for help, because there are no other options.
There's a surprised, uncertain pause, and then he very quickly throws his arms around Sidon and squeezes, clings like a pathetic child, shaking.]
It's been happening... I thought... I'm sorry, Sidon. I thought being here would keep everyone from having to see things.
[ the implications build up—viktor himself had told him of something terrible, an accident, and now the context building up to it fills in. not for the first time, he thinks viktor can be dangerous. not because he's evil, but because he's desperate. desperate and guilty and full of fear.
he holds him, squeezing tight regardless of how frail he looks. ]
It's all right! Don't apologize to me!
[ he's quiet a moment beyond that, running a hand along his back in a soothing gesture. ]
You could show me your entire life, I won't turn away.
[Why does Sidon continue to be kind to him! When things went so terribly! When the consequences of desperation caught up to him!
He curls his hands into fists against Sidon, angry at himself, angry he is receiving kindness when it is others who should be receiving it instead.
He tears himself away suddenly, tries to pace, not far, stumbles on some of the rocks stupidly until he ends up slipping. He slides slowly down, the metal of the brace screeching gently on his back. He covers his face with his hands.]
I don't deserve your benevolence. At least be ashamed of me...!
[ he grimaces at the quiet screech of metal on stone. he tries to be a kind person. he tries to be a good prince. he wonders just when those two things might start to counter one another—as law, should he condemn a man who has done wrong to others? he doesn't think his good will is infinite. he has scruples.
but this is not the face of evil. this is a man made undone by his own actions, waylaid in his own guilt—worse, it's someone he cares for very much. he doesn't know what lines that falls between. viktor doesn't scramble away far, still close enough that he can extend him a hand. ]
Have you... hurt people? Is that what pains you so?
[Slowly, his hands slip away from his face. He stares at the extended hand, wondering why it's still reaching out for him. His lip quivers briefly as he thins them both together.
The way his brows collapse together, like he might cry, guilty and ashamed. He shifts almost as if he'll reach out, but hesitates.]
...I killed her. I didn't mean to do it. She tried to help me. But... I got her killed.
[ he looks a little surprised, even if all the signs have pointed to this, but there's no great judgment going on behind his stare. just some sorrow, some guilt. a sting of remorse, because this doesn't make him hate viktor, when someone out there probably does. he stays reaching out, fingers unfurled and steady. ]
...I'm sorry. You must have cared for her—she must have cared for you.
[ if she was trying to help him—a colleague? a friend? more, or less? even if she'd been a near stranger, this would've been painful for him. he doubts it being an accident would be much balm. ]
[Sidon couldn't know, but the words hurt. Not Sidon having offered them, just... the words. They're even heavier knowing. His face almost breaks, but he pulls it back together.]
Our assistant. It was an accident. She tried to stop me from being a fool, but...
[Reluctantly, he reaches out to take Sidon's hand, but in a way like he thinks he'll sully it.]
[ it probably should hurt. it might need to hurt to mean anything. but he also doesn't think he needs to add to viktor's guilt, because he clearly heaps it on himself.
he takes his hand, squeezing it. with the other arm, he reaches out for viktor's face, looking him in the eye. ]
I'm sorry to her. She must have been remarkable if you worked alongside each other.
[ he means it. his fins bristle and there's grief in his expression. he hopes she didn't suffer much. he means it as much as his next words. ] But I won't be ashamed of you. You should know that by now.
[There's just so much. He should have paid more attention to her. He should have been kinder to her. He should have taken her up on her offer to walk home. He should have gotten to know her better. He shouldn't have been so consumed by his work in desperation.
He takes a moment to reconcile the anxiety in his body. His hand squeezes Sidon's, and then he uses it to pick himself off the ground and the rock.]
[ he helps him wobble up onto his feet, scrounging up a grin. ]
Oh, enough apologizing! If anything, I wish you would burden me more. [ the smile is short lived though, flickering into a wince. ] ...I'd rather help you carry a weight than watch it crush you.
[ privately, he thinks this woman must have suffered her own share of watching viktor scrape and struggle. he pauses, trying not to sound tentative even as he grasps viktor's hand with a desperation of his own. ]
Could you rely on us a little? On me? This desperate understanding—it tempts you because you don't have alternatives. Or... time to find them. [ at least someone has doxxed that viktor is dying to him outright ] Can't there be more answers here, when we're looking with you? [ if he opens his eyes a little wider, couldn't his perceptions change? ]
[SIDON IS SO NICE TO HIM AND FOR WHAT!! He doesn't know what to do with any of this!!! Is this how Lucien felt when he was just being kind to someone who hadn't ridiculed or hurt him? WHY IS HE GETTING THIS IN RETURN?!
He finds some balance on his feet, reaching out with his other hand to hold onto Sidon's shoulder. God forbid he fell over right now.
His expression becomes a bit ashamed again. WHO TOLD SIDON THAT!!! DON'T TELL PEOPLE HE'S DYING...] I... don't know yet. I'm still looking. [The smile is so weak it's barely a smile at all.]
...Alright. I relent.
[Only because he knows how fucking pointless it is to keep arguing and trying to convince Sidon otherwise.]
[ it is pointless! he's stubborn, too. he doesn't know how much viktor means what he says, but maybe one day he'll beat it through his thick skull that he wants to be here. he bears viktor's weight easily, a little flutter moving across his fins. ]
Thank you.
[ there's some relief in the way his grip loosens, though it doesn't let go. ]
Viktor—when we were cursed, maybe those feelings were... manipulated. [ love arrows is kind of fucked up if you think too hard about it, which he hasn't before. he hadn't minded it, mostly setting it aside to be polite to his very shy co-victim. ] But back then, I told you I would tell you this often: I care for you. I love you!
[ he says it without any difficulty. ]
...I don't know if that frightens you. Or perhaps—...maybe you don't feel you deserve it? [ maybe he doesn't understand it, despite being a genius. the heart is very different from reason. ] Still, I'll remind you. Until you can believe it.
His brain skips as soon as he hears the words I love you! pop out of Sidon's mouth. Sidon keeps talking, but Viktor's brain pan doesn't even move forward at all. He's stuck. He's revving the engine in neutral, hung up on those three words.
WAIT? Go back, wait.
He stands there looking like the stupid fish again. He is one of Runeterra's most brilliant minds, and here he is, rendered absolutely full of idiocy with this type of landscape. He's never done this before. He has never had to navigate any of this before.
Now he has to figure out, he realizes, what Sidon means by this. Love... love? Friendly love? Sidon is so bold with his feelings always. He thinks about Lucien's last words to him, before he even had known Sidon was killed: Don't get too cozy with that smug, rich fish either. What does THIS mean, by the way? WHAT DO THESE MEN MEAN?]
--Hold on. I... Wait just a moment. [Struggling to find the right words here.] You... what?
the way this was actually a very dire moment and now he has to fish viktor's brain out of the primordial murk because—he really can be very dumb. has anyone said this to him before? lucien, maybe? they obviously have a connection. not that sidon minds, it doesn't affect his feelings any.
whatever those feelings may be... ]
I care for you? [ he pauses, then smiles finally, more wry than usual. ] Or, I love you?
[Well, yes, to the first part still. He does not and maybe will not ever understand why someone like Sidon, of all people, thinks to care for him. He really hasn't accomplished anything except pain and suffering, dying early, and now being incredible stupid at every turn.
The way his expression ! at the second phrase. It's clear it was that making him bog down into the ground.]
Yes... That... What do you...? Why would you say that?
[ oh, so he melted that brilliant brain of his by saying 'i love you.' if only everyone could be felled so easily.
his smile mellows, tempered, even though he's often the type to laugh and bolt ahead. even he can be a little—abashed? not often, but on occasions like having to explain emotions to another grown man. he's not an expert on the differentiations of love.
it seems important to say anyway, in the case of someone who loves himself so little, like viktor. ]
Because that's how I feel!
[ why else would he say it? straightforward. while he doesn't tend to declare his love very often, because people might take it the wrong way from a prince, he does love openly. ]
But don't worry. It doesn't have to mean anything that you don't want it to. [ he doesn't need to freak out... ]
Edited (fixes a typo an hour later) 2024-03-21 06:09 (UTC)
He... truly does not know what to do with this at all. He doesn't know what to do with any of this! He struggles visibly with the mounting pressure of filling the silence before it's awkward, before assumptions are made.]
I... No, it's just... I... There... [He runs his hand back through his hair, stunned.] I don't understand. I don't...
I've... never, um. I thought the curse... [HELP HIM, HE IS SO BAD AT THIS TRULY. He looks hopelessly up at Sidon.] Sorry, my thoughts, I... need a moment...
[ he watches viktor have a breakdown without comment, patiently waiting through the stumbling words. maybe this should feel more awkward, but having not had any expectations to begin with, he's just apologetic that this has sent him spiraling. it was supposed to make him feel better? ]
You don't need to think so hard about it! ...Though that's a pointless thing to tell you.
[ of course he's going to overthink it. still, there's no need to say anything in return; it only means as much or as little as viktor wants it to. there's so many types of love. he reaches out to fix viktor's hair from where he's mussed it all up again, largely failing as usual, and rests his hand against all the disturbed fluff there a moment after. ]
It's just something I wanted you to know. It's all right if you don't have a response right now.
[ or—even if viktor rejected such a feeling outright, it wouldn't stop him from saying it. he stands up, smiling almost casually. ]
—Well then! Shall we get out of this place? It's a bit dark for you.
[The fluff just gets fluffier when this is done because they is simply how curly hair works. It gets more annoyingly poofy the more you brush it. His head shakes beneath Sidon's hand.]
No, I... want to stay. I don't... want you to see.
[Him look like a fucking train wreck. Him exist as a train wreck. He's had such a difficult time being ridiculed by Scien for being an emotional disaster, and now he is humiliated every time by it.]
Sorry... I just... have never done anything like this before. [This also sounds so humiliating. Imagine being thirty and never really having experienced... what? Love? Romance? Anything?] And now... again...
People are suddenly interested, and I... don't know where... Well, I guess I know where you stand now, but... This is why I prefer machines... Everything isn't so complicated by... feelings.
[ WHAT IS HE ALWAYS SUCH A SAD LITTLE MAN FOR?? he'd rather usher viktor out of the caverns. he wants him to stop shrinking away and apologizing. ]
I want to see you.
[ though instead of dragging him out kicking and screaming, he travels his hand down viktor's hair to his jaw, keeping him from hiding in on himself all the way. he's careful with his nails, but not shy with his touch. ]
You know, you're not a machine. You can't turn off those emotions—you may as well enjoy the good ones! [ even if he claims to be allergic to feelings, he obviously has them. it's part of why he'd connected to viktor more naturally and personally than scien. both brilliant, both rational, but viktor's heart is more... human. ]
And you did get to try out love for a while. Can't you let yourself imagine doing those things in earnest?
[ with him, or—well, 'people' is definitely lucien. sidon isn't a genius engineer, but he has something in short supply, which is the ability to read a crowd. ]
Don't be afraid to give it some thought. That's all I ask.
[His head lifts slightly, but his mood is withering. He doesn't want emotions......... Can he trade with Scien? EMOTIONS ARE SO COMPLICATED. He's too neurodivergent for this kind of hellscape.
He reaches up, resting his hand on Sidon's forearm.]
...I'll try to explain. Once we're outside.
[He wants to hide in the dark as is his nature, but he doesn't want Sidon to throw him over a shoulder because he's being unruly.]
[ imagine he just picks him up like a sack of potatoes
no it's fine they can go somewhere with actual lighting. the way sidon sleeps in a cave pool so he's down there all the time. he's curious what needs explanation, but... ]
All right—let's be off!
[ he'll pat his hand and usher them somewhere with like, light. the bar is low. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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what he sees past the door is—...it's a crime, isn't it? against this creature, whose suffering that viktor had seen and felt and embraced with mercy for a moment. it's alive, but at what cost? not for its own sake. he doubts it's even really there anymore, just a mutation in a tank.
would it have been all right, if it was a river salamander? a fish? a zora, a human? at what point can he understand?
he doesn't flinch when the memory ends and the scenery recedes into the cave again, dark and foreboding. he reaches out to grab him. ]
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True, unadulterated fear. He doesn't yank away, but instead sort of cowers.]
I-I didn't know. I thought... I thought it was worth it... I was a fool...
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after a moment, he drops to a knee before him. ]
A memory. It's only a memory.
[ and he gathers him up into a hug, because so few people on this godforsaken ship will otherwise. he rests his chin carefully against viktor's shoulder, looking out over the cave still. ]
Though not the sort to easily forget.
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There's a surprised, uncertain pause, and then he very quickly throws his arms around Sidon and squeezes, clings like a pathetic child, shaking.]
It's been happening... I thought... I'm sorry, Sidon. I thought being here would keep everyone from having to see things.
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he holds him, squeezing tight regardless of how frail he looks. ]
It's all right! Don't apologize to me!
[ he's quiet a moment beyond that, running a hand along his back in a soothing gesture. ]
You could show me your entire life, I won't turn away.
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He curls his hands into fists against Sidon, angry at himself, angry he is receiving kindness when it is others who should be receiving it instead.
He tears himself away suddenly, tries to pace, not far, stumbles on some of the rocks stupidly until he ends up slipping. He slides slowly down, the metal of the brace screeching gently on his back. He covers his face with his hands.]
I don't deserve your benevolence. At least be ashamed of me...!
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but this is not the face of evil. this is a man made undone by his own actions, waylaid in his own guilt—worse, it's someone he cares for very much. he doesn't know what lines that falls between. viktor doesn't scramble away far, still close enough that he can extend him a hand. ]
Have you... hurt people? Is that what pains you so?
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The way his brows collapse together, like he might cry, guilty and ashamed. He shifts almost as if he'll reach out, but hesitates.]
...I killed her. I didn't mean to do it. She tried to help me. But... I got her killed.
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...I'm sorry. You must have cared for her—she must have cared for you.
[ if she was trying to help him—a colleague? a friend? more, or less? even if she'd been a near stranger, this would've been painful for him. he doubts it being an accident would be much balm. ]
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Our assistant. It was an accident. She tried to stop me from being a fool, but...
[Reluctantly, he reaches out to take Sidon's hand, but in a way like he thinks he'll sully it.]
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he takes his hand, squeezing it. with the other arm, he reaches out for viktor's face, looking him in the eye. ]
I'm sorry to her. She must have been remarkable if you worked alongside each other.
[ he means it. his fins bristle and there's grief in his expression. he hopes she didn't suffer much. he means it as much as his next words. ] But I won't be ashamed of you. You should know that by now.
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[There's just so much. He should have paid more attention to her. He should have been kinder to her. He should have taken her up on her offer to walk home. He should have gotten to know her better. He shouldn't have been so consumed by his work in desperation.
He takes a moment to reconcile the anxiety in his body. His hand squeezes Sidon's, and then he uses it to pick himself off the ground and the rock.]
I'm sorry... for burdening you with all this.
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Oh, enough apologizing! If anything, I wish you would burden me more. [ the smile is short lived though, flickering into a wince. ] ...I'd rather help you carry a weight than watch it crush you.
[ privately, he thinks this woman must have suffered her own share of watching viktor scrape and struggle. he pauses, trying not to sound tentative even as he grasps viktor's hand with a desperation of his own. ]
Could you rely on us a little? On me? This desperate understanding—it tempts you because you don't have alternatives. Or... time to find them. [ at least someone has doxxed that viktor is dying to him outright ] Can't there be more answers here, when we're looking with you? [ if he opens his eyes a little wider, couldn't his perceptions change? ]
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He finds some balance on his feet, reaching out with his other hand to hold onto Sidon's shoulder. God forbid he fell over right now.
His expression becomes a bit ashamed again. WHO TOLD SIDON THAT!!! DON'T TELL PEOPLE HE'S DYING...] I... don't know yet. I'm still looking. [The smile is so weak it's barely a smile at all.]
...Alright. I relent.
[Only because he knows how fucking pointless it is to keep arguing and trying to convince Sidon otherwise.]
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Thank you.
[ there's some relief in the way his grip loosens, though it doesn't let go. ]
Viktor—when we were cursed, maybe those feelings were... manipulated. [ love arrows is kind of fucked up if you think too hard about it, which he hasn't before. he hadn't minded it, mostly setting it aside to be polite to his very shy co-victim. ] But back then, I told you I would tell you this often: I care for you. I love you!
[ he says it without any difficulty. ]
...I don't know if that frightens you. Or perhaps—...maybe you don't feel you deserve it? [ maybe he doesn't understand it, despite being a genius. the heart is very different from reason. ] Still, I'll remind you. Until you can believe it.
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His brain skips as soon as he hears the words I love you! pop out of Sidon's mouth. Sidon keeps talking, but Viktor's brain pan doesn't even move forward at all. He's stuck. He's revving the engine in neutral, hung up on those three words.
WAIT? Go back, wait.
He stands there looking like the stupid fish again. He is one of Runeterra's most brilliant minds, and here he is, rendered absolutely full of idiocy with this type of landscape. He's never done this before. He has never had to navigate any of this before.
Now he has to figure out, he realizes, what Sidon means by this. Love... love? Friendly love? Sidon is so bold with his feelings always. He thinks about Lucien's last words to him, before he even had known Sidon was killed: Don't get too cozy with that smug, rich fish either. What does THIS mean, by the way? WHAT DO THESE MEN MEAN?]
--Hold on. I... Wait just a moment. [Struggling to find the right words here.] You... what?
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the way this was actually a very dire moment and now he has to fish viktor's brain out of the primordial murk because—he really can be very dumb. has anyone said this to him before? lucien, maybe? they obviously have a connection. not that sidon minds, it doesn't affect his feelings any.
whatever those feelings may be... ]
I care for you? [ he pauses, then smiles finally, more wry than usual. ] Or, I love you?
[ is that what he's getting caught up on? ]
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The way his expression ! at the second phrase. It's clear it was that making him bog down into the ground.]
Yes... That... What do you...? Why would you say that?
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his smile mellows, tempered, even though he's often the type to laugh and bolt ahead. even he can be a little—abashed? not often, but on occasions like having to explain emotions to another grown man. he's not an expert on the differentiations of love.
it seems important to say anyway, in the case of someone who loves himself so little, like viktor. ]
Because that's how I feel!
[ why else would he say it? straightforward. while he doesn't tend to declare his love very often, because people might take it the wrong way from a prince, he does love openly. ]
But don't worry. It doesn't have to mean anything that you don't want it to. [ he doesn't need to freak out... ]
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He... truly does not know what to do with this at all. He doesn't know what to do with any of this! He struggles visibly with the mounting pressure of filling the silence before it's awkward, before assumptions are made.]
I... No, it's just... I... There... [He runs his hand back through his hair, stunned.] I don't understand. I don't...
I've... never, um. I thought the curse... [HELP HIM, HE IS SO BAD AT THIS TRULY. He looks hopelessly up at Sidon.] Sorry, my thoughts, I... need a moment...
[His brain is in shambles.]
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You don't need to think so hard about it! ...Though that's a pointless thing to tell you.
[ of course he's going to overthink it. still, there's no need to say anything in return; it only means as much or as little as viktor wants it to. there's so many types of love. he reaches out to fix viktor's hair from where he's mussed it all up again, largely failing as usual, and rests his hand against all the disturbed fluff there a moment after. ]
It's just something I wanted you to know. It's all right if you don't have a response right now.
[ or—even if viktor rejected such a feeling outright, it wouldn't stop him from saying it. he stands up, smiling almost casually. ]
—Well then! Shall we get out of this place? It's a bit dark for you.
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No, I... want to stay. I don't... want you to see.
[Him look like a fucking train wreck. Him exist as a train wreck. He's had such a difficult time being ridiculed by Scien for being an emotional disaster, and now he is humiliated every time by it.]
Sorry... I just... have never done anything like this before. [This also sounds so humiliating. Imagine being thirty and never really having experienced... what? Love? Romance? Anything?] And now... again...
People are suddenly interested, and I... don't know where... Well, I guess I know where you stand now, but... This is why I prefer machines... Everything isn't so complicated by... feelings.
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I want to see you.
[ though instead of dragging him out kicking and screaming, he travels his hand down viktor's hair to his jaw, keeping him from hiding in on himself all the way. he's careful with his nails, but not shy with his touch. ]
You know, you're not a machine. You can't turn off those emotions—you may as well enjoy the good ones! [ even if he claims to be allergic to feelings, he obviously has them. it's part of why he'd connected to viktor more naturally and personally than scien. both brilliant, both rational, but viktor's heart is more... human. ]
And you did get to try out love for a while. Can't you let yourself imagine doing those things in earnest?
[ with him, or—well, 'people' is definitely lucien. sidon isn't a genius engineer, but he has something in short supply, which is the ability to read a crowd. ]
Don't be afraid to give it some thought. That's all I ask.
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He reaches up, resting his hand on Sidon's forearm.]
...I'll try to explain. Once we're outside.
[He wants to hide in the dark as is his nature, but he doesn't want Sidon to throw him over a shoulder because he's being unruly.]
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no it's fine they can go somewhere with actual lighting. the way sidon sleeps in a cave pool so he's down there all the time. he's curious what needs explanation, but... ]
All right—let's be off!
[ he'll pat his hand and usher them somewhere with like, light. the bar is low. ]
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