Even happiness can cause some people to unintentionally hurt others.
[He gestures idly with a hand and then lowers it to his side.]
I was a normal man once. I had emotions, and I felt them like anyone else. But after the commune failed because Jayce killed me... I reconsidered what I knew.
So I am now trying to reconcile that once more, after everyone has disagreed with me so violently.
[ Like emotionally don't be like well yeah I DIED.
He thinks. Maybe? It's not so strange that when you hurt enough, you start wishing for the absence of it no matter what the cost is. Marcoh's emotion is a softly rounded concern. Harold... ]
Can't say that's a comparison I expected to hear...
...
It's just that. In a way. I thought some crazy things lately because I wasn't feeling good. There just hasn't been enough time to think.
[ Tfw you go through some crazy shit and then you blink and you end up in Prehevil where you immediately adopt some water bottles and can't think about stuff because you're too busy trying to help them keep it together during tragedy and then you die and you end up in heaven and you again immediately adopt some water bottles and can't think about stuff because you're too busy trying to help them keep it together during tragedy.
Anyway. He doesn't know nearly enough and it'd be way too presumptuous to say he knows anything about how Viktor must feel, but Marcoh knows what he himself feels at least. For example, he wanted that white twink obliterated. And at least at this point in time, he's not exactly strayed from the idea, though he has lingering, rueful hesitations trying to make themselves known. ]
I know. We watched you during trial and... after what happens to Uruha. We had it easier on the other side. At least, I did, as someone who began there.
[You really went thought it, Marcoh. And yet, no one had many complaints considering, even if, as a peace-loving man, he felt bad for Siffrin.
Forgiveness for everyone, as a Jesus proxy.]
Have you forgiven yourself for feeling this way? Has anyone asked... how you are doing?
[That is what he likes to hear as a man who has been standing right at the precipice of total mental and bodily authoritarianism since he got here. Very funny.]
[Not sure if he can say church shouldn't when he has a whole cult and some sort of divine adjacent status.]
I think God would want you to forgive yourself in the way of acknowledgement of what you've done and, going forward, do better even though the final judgement comes from Them. Like here.
At least, that is the understanding I gave to everyone who came to the commune to be a part of it.
[ Well he's a pious boy. It's less so church-fearing and more damnation-fearing, holding himself responsible to the tenets. Alll-mer doesn't care, despite what the ministers say. Not to damn, but not to forgive either.
He certainly would like to avoid killing ever again. That's a normal person stance to have. ]
I am not sure it is an oath I can keep. Not right away.
[ Realistically he's on the run and he can't guarantee anything. Also he's going back to Prehevil! He's def gonna have to throw hands. What a pickle... me OOCly like god damn it not again. ]
I am aware that happens, it did even in Piltover, but I find that rather distasteful for a place which is supposed to be a haven for those who have faith.
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[He gestures idly with a hand and then lowers it to his side.]
I was a normal man once. I had emotions, and I felt them like anyone else. But after the commune failed because Jayce killed me... I reconsidered what I knew.
So I am now trying to reconcile that once more, after everyone has disagreed with me so violently.
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It sounds like what happened may have hurt you.
[ Like emotionally don't be like well yeah I DIED.
He thinks. Maybe? It's not so strange that when you hurt enough, you start wishing for the absence of it no matter what the cost is. Marcoh's emotion is a softly rounded concern. Harold... ]
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[His feelings, subdued, are... disgruntled. Frustrated? Stubborn. He does not want to be hurt by something so trivial, but...
Yes. He was hurt. It hurt him. Did he deserve what he got because of how he had treated Jayce before? Leaving abruptly.]
You sound like Elysia.
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...
It's just that. In a way. I thought some crazy things lately because I wasn't feeling good. There just hasn't been enough time to think.
[ Tfw you go through some crazy shit and then you blink and you end up in Prehevil where you immediately adopt some water bottles and can't think about stuff because you're too busy trying to help them keep it together during tragedy and then you die and you end up in heaven and you again immediately adopt some water bottles and can't think about stuff because you're too busy trying to help them keep it together during tragedy.
Anyway. He doesn't know nearly enough and it'd be way too presumptuous to say he knows anything about how Viktor must feel, but Marcoh knows what he himself feels at least. For example, he wanted that white twink obliterated. And at least at this point in time, he's not exactly strayed from the idea, though he has lingering, rueful hesitations trying to make themselves known. ]
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[You really went thought it, Marcoh. And yet, no one had many complaints considering, even if, as a peace-loving man, he felt bad for Siffrin.
Forgiveness for everyone, as a Jesus proxy.]
Have you forgiven yourself for feeling this way? Has anyone asked... how you are doing?
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[ Almost suffocatingly so. He doesn't answer the question about forgiving; that's much harder to answer. ]
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[That is what he likes to hear as a man who has been standing right at the precipice of total mental and bodily authoritarianism since he got here. Very funny.]
You didn't answer the other question.
[He is compassionate, but he is not stupid.]
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I do not know that it is my grounds to forgive.
[ If people could just self-absolve their sins, then church wouldn't exist. ]
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I think God would want you to forgive yourself in the way of acknowledgement of what you've done and, going forward, do better even though the final judgement comes from Them. Like here.
At least, that is the understanding I gave to everyone who came to the commune to be a part of it.
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Not that Alll-mer damns me personally, but...
[ Well he's a pious boy. It's less so church-fearing and more damnation-fearing, holding himself responsible to the tenets. Alll-mer doesn't care, despite what the ministers say. Not to damn, but not to forgive either.
He certainly would like to avoid killing ever again. That's a normal person stance to have. ]
I am not sure it is an oath I can keep. Not right away.
[ Realistically he's on the run and he can't guarantee anything. Also he's going back to Prehevil! He's def gonna have to throw hands. What a pickle... me OOCly like god damn it not again. ]
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Forgiveness can take time.
[There is an emotional weight to this from him, but he doesn't say anything else about it.]
I hope you can find that one day.
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...
Yeah.
[ He does hope so, genuinely. But it's also kind of freshly-relevant right now too. ]
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Your judgement might look a lot different than you expect it to.
[(affectionate) not (derogatory)]
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I know it's a lot different here than anything I ever grew up learning.
They're kind, here.
[ Ultimately. ]
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Yours were not kind? Or you mean they were not really understanding and forgiving like what you mentioned?
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Yet you still believe.
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[ Like, to be fair, religion in his world has rarely ever been about comforting the masses. ]
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Do you frequently accept things simply because that is how it has always been, Marcoh?
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Like my coach always said too. You can let the tide take you farther from where you wish to be, or stand against the current.
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[The energy is, like, softly amused.]
What about change? Evolution. Things that simply were, do you ever have the desire to change them rather than accept them?
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It would be nice to.
[ But somehow evolving out of his current predicament seems a hard ask. ]
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You have the power to do that. You should give it some consideration in the future.
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I will.
Thanks for the advice.
[ He means it, actually. ]
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Thank you for the advice as well. I will... think on it.