[THIS IS ALSO TRAUMA???? The pain is shocking -- debilitating, Eunhyuk has felt pain before, but not on this level -- not until the end of his own life, and even that had been simple.
This is... something else. This is desire, plain and simple. The urge to live, dependent on your own strength. The willingness to go as far as possible, just to have that chance. It rattles Eunhyuk, long after the memory ends. He can still feel the adrenaline pouring through him, the pain of the scalpel, the ache of muscles.
He's spent so long trying to avoid feeling this emotion, that he'd forgotten how alive it could make you feel. He takes a moment to come down from it, the rush. The idea that you can simply try to exist, and not be punished for it. Though, the moments preceding... when he'd -- no, Viktor reached for what must be hextech...?]
...It worked.
[...He thinks. In that moment, he felt that it had.]
[What must it be like to not get beaten with a memory bat twice over consecutively?
His heart jumps wildly in his chest, and he clutches at it through his shirt momentarily. Eunhyuk's memory rouses some thought in him, a sequel to the first test, something that makes him feel insane.]
The woman--why...
[It had worked. Yes, it had worked. It had worked only for that point in time.]
[No. He knows. He understands. He knows exactly how people can be when you're different than them, when you're othered, when you're sick or changed or ruined. So quickly do they treat you as inferior.]
We don't know how people get sick, just that it happens. One day you could be normal, and the next you could have symptoms of monsterization. Once you succumb, you forget who you were entirely. You transform into a mindless creature.
But there's a chance you can survive the process. You can keep your own mind, even after turning. It didn't matter if the rest of her was different, as long as she was herself.
[he makes a little gesture to the void,]
I said that, but I still decided to single her out. ...She could have hidden with the rest of us if I hadn't.
[He fists his hand into the front of his clothes over his chest. A brace against... what? The truth? The situation? How familiar the seemingly pathetic and desperate attempt was. How familiar it was to be reduced to that, to watch yourself...
He glances up at Eunhyuk, like he wants to say something, but nothing comes out. He struggles to find the words, to say what he wants.]
I killed her, [he blurts out suddenly. Tears start swelling up in his eyes.] ...Our assistant...
[He'd been looking somewhere else, gaze pinned at a corner of this void as he explained the how and why, but then Viktor breaks the silence -- and Eunhyuk's eyes find his.
The tears in his eyes are the exact same as Eunhyuk's, kneeling next to a body he could barely bring himself to look at. And at that, the realization that this is something Viktor has in common with him...
He draws in a deep, shaky breath. He reaches down and pulls the glove off his right hand. It's unchanged from the way it had been when his body was examined by Throne during the trial: fleshless almost, mottled completely purple with iridescent lines within, like they might glow like his foot had in the memory. From fingertips to wrist, purple like his leg.
He fists it tightly.]
I... tried it again. I tried to do more of my body. I tried to fix it. I was... out of Shimmer. I ran out, so... I just carved the runes in. I just decided to touch it without. I don't know... why she came in. She tried to stop me, but touching it was all I could think about.
[ANNA WHAT THE FCK IS THIS SURPRISE VIKTOR LORE HELP ME? HE WAS HET AND SHE TURNED TO ASH??????????????
Eunhyuk looks at his hand. Later, he'll think about how Viktor had refused to show it to anyone during trial. Now, he simply looks, and listens. He thinks about how rationally -- if someone took their stories and lined them up side by side, then they might say that neither Eunhyuk or Viktor are at fault for what happened. But guilt is real and stronger than logic,]
...You didn't know.
[that she would come in, that she would make that decision. just like eunhyuk hadn't known the bandits would attack,]
He shakes his head slowly, brows furrowing.] We didn't know. [Because it's true. Neither of them thought that something like that would happen. He didn't know Sky would walk in. Eunhyuk didn't know the bandits would attack.]
They... didn't deserve that. I understand. But it's happened, and... we can't change that.
[He feels bad... for Eunhyuk. He feels guilty and ashamed for himself, and he's sure these are feelings Eunhyuk turns inward, too. But he feels sympathy for Eunhyuk. As if... it's different somehow.
As if Eunhyuk deserves the forgiveness.]
I know.
[He can't say it will be fine because he does not think it's fine for himself.]
I'm sorry, Eunhyuk. That... it turned out that way for both of us.
[NOT EACH OF THEM WANTING THE OTHER DUDE TO LIVE!!!!!! They're garbage.
The fact he wants to both agree and disagree. They're in an echo chamber of self-hate here. He reaches up to put a hand on Eunhyuk's shoulders, giving it a squeeze that's meant to be reassuring. He nods his head faintly.]
Me, too. Let's live then... and, afterward, whatever happens if we get back... Well, that's up to fate to decide. But for now, we'll live.
Eunhyuk looks at Viktor and thinks of their very first conversation, about what they last remember from their situations. But he's also just seen a very private part of Viktor, is it worth trying to peel something else from him now?
and anyway, he doesn't really have a leg (or life hee hee) to stand on here,]
We do have a lot to figure out before then. [THEIR GY PLOT] At least that gives us something to do.
[Look. Sometimes... you're dying, and you're dying, and even if you fix the dying, you're STILL dying... Win some, lose some.
ALSO SHUT UP.]
I know you're just going to make fun of me, but... try not to dwell on it too much. I can say this to you because clearly... I've just done as worse. So don't try to tell me I'm a hypocrite. I know that already.
anyway Eunhyuk straightens, inhales. there is no avoiding the fact he will be as awkward as viktor when he yells into the void but they've formed a sacred bond of not making fun of each other so,]
Fuck!
[no maybe hitting things wouldn't look this uncool actually]
An amused smile, subdued much like Eunhyuk's always is, appears on Viktor's face when Eunhyuk screams out the curse. So this is what it feels like to be on the other side!!! Good job, Eunhyuk...
He also draws in a breath after a moment.]
Fuck!
[They can yell fuck together to get it all out. This is by far the STUPIDEST thing, but somehow... not only does it work, but he doesn't feel as dumb when they both understand.]
[anna every time i come back to this thread i start laughing WHY ARE THEY SO FUNNY!!!!
It looked so uncool when he did it... but it's true that when Viktor joins in, he feels better... this is why jocks run naked during undie run because group activities make you brave,]
Fuck!!!
[i want to make a fck buddies joke so bad but i feel like eunhyuk would not make it and it tears me up inside]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
This is... something else. This is desire, plain and simple. The urge to live, dependent on your own strength. The willingness to go as far as possible, just to have that chance. It rattles Eunhyuk, long after the memory ends. He can still feel the adrenaline pouring through him, the pain of the scalpel, the ache of muscles.
He's spent so long trying to avoid feeling this emotion, that he'd forgotten how alive it could make you feel. He takes a moment to come down from it, the rush. The idea that you can simply try to exist, and not be punished for it. Though, the moments preceding... when he'd -- no, Viktor reached for what must be hextech...?]
...It worked.
[...He thinks. In that moment, he felt that it had.]
no subject
His heart jumps wildly in his chest, and he clutches at it through his shirt momentarily. Eunhyuk's memory rouses some thought in him, a sequel to the first test, something that makes him feel insane.]
The woman--why...
[It had worked. Yes, it had worked. It had worked only for that point in time.]
no subject
Eunhyuk's expression clears, like he's fallen back down to earth,]
...Are you asking why they [I] killed her?
[he'd told a lot of people about his condition, but he remembers that Viktor hadn't been alive to ask --]
no subject
She... was sick. But...
[No. He knows. He understands. He knows exactly how people can be when you're different than them, when you're othered, when you're sick or changed or ruined. So quickly do they treat you as inferior.]
Why?
no subject
We don't know how people get sick, just that it happens. One day you could be normal, and the next you could have symptoms of monsterization. Once you succumb, you forget who you were entirely. You transform into a mindless creature.
But there's a chance you can survive the process. You can keep your own mind, even after turning. It didn't matter if the rest of her was different, as long as she was herself.
[he makes a little gesture to the void,]
I said that, but I still decided to single her out. ...She could have hidden with the rest of us if I hadn't.
no subject
He glances up at Eunhyuk, like he wants to say something, but nothing comes out. He struggles to find the words, to say what he wants.]
I killed her, [he blurts out suddenly. Tears start swelling up in his eyes.] ...Our assistant...
I killed her.
no subject
The tears in his eyes are the exact same as Eunhyuk's, kneeling next to a body he could barely bring himself to look at. And at that, the realization that this is something Viktor has in common with him...
...]
...How did she die?
no subject
He draws in a deep, shaky breath. He reaches down and pulls the glove off his right hand. It's unchanged from the way it had been when his body was examined by Throne during the trial: fleshless almost, mottled completely purple with iridescent lines within, like they might glow like his foot had in the memory. From fingertips to wrist, purple like his leg.
He fists it tightly.]
I... tried it again. I tried to do more of my body. I tried to fix it. I was... out of Shimmer. I ran out, so... I just carved the runes in. I just decided to touch it without. I don't know... why she came in. She tried to stop me, but touching it was all I could think about.
It...
...It erased her. It turned her to ash.
no subject
Eunhyuk looks at his hand. Later, he'll think about how Viktor had refused to show it to anyone during trial. Now, he simply looks, and listens. He thinks about how rationally -- if someone took their stories and lined them up side by side, then they might say that neither Eunhyuk or Viktor are at fault for what happened. But guilt is real and stronger than logic,]
...You didn't know.
[that she would come in, that she would make that decision. just like eunhyuk hadn't known the bandits would attack,]
But I know that doesn't change anything.
no subject
He shakes his head slowly, brows furrowing.] We didn't know. [Because it's true. Neither of them thought that something like that would happen. He didn't know Sky would walk in. Eunhyuk didn't know the bandits would attack.]
They... didn't deserve that. I understand. But it's happened, and... we can't change that.
no subject
...]
...That weight would crush anyone. But... I think for people like us, who've only wanted to save others...
[...well,]
I guess it weighs on us more.
[THEY ARE REALLY SAD BLANKET CAT]
no subject
As if Eunhyuk deserves the forgiveness.]
I know.
[He can't say it will be fine because he does not think it's fine for himself.]
I'm sorry, Eunhyuk. That... it turned out that way for both of us.
no subject
Eunhyuk does not know what Viktor is thinking, but he can hear what he's saying.]
I'm sorry too. [HE ALSO WANTS VIKTOR TO FORGIVE HIMSELF!!!!
...]
...But I still want us to live, despite what we've done.
[that feels like the bigger sin, in a way. but it's what he thinks]
no subject
The fact he wants to both agree and disagree. They're in an echo chamber of self-hate here. He reaches up to put a hand on Eunhyuk's shoulders, giving it a squeeze that's meant to be reassuring. He nods his head faintly.]
Me, too. Let's live then... and, afterward, whatever happens if we get back... Well, that's up to fate to decide. But for now, we'll live.
no subject
Eunhyuk looks at Viktor and thinks of their very first conversation, about what they last remember from their situations. But he's also just seen a very private part of Viktor, is it worth trying to peel something else from him now?
and anyway, he doesn't really have a leg (or life hee hee) to stand on here,]
We do have a lot to figure out before then. [THEIR GY PLOT] At least that gives us something to do.
no subject
ALSO SHUT UP.]
I know you're just going to make fun of me, but... try not to dwell on it too much. I can say this to you because clearly... I've just done as worse. So don't try to tell me I'm a hypocrite. I know that already.
...Want to scream some curses?
no subject
Eunhyuk would never because he's just been banned, but his eyes do crinkle a little at Viktor's suggestion.]
Sure. I'd rather do that then run around and hit things.
[srry to sidon and luke he means no shade he just isn't a physical kind of guy]
no subject
He removes his hand from Eunhyuk's shoulder so he can gesture the space.]
Go ahead.
[He would also enjoy yelling loudly than beating shit up. He isn't a Champion yet with a Hex Claw, so.]
no subject
anyway Eunhyuk straightens, inhales. there is no avoiding the fact he will be as awkward as viktor when he yells into the void but they've formed a sacred bond of not making fun of each other so,]
Fuck!
[no maybe hitting things wouldn't look this uncool actually]
no subject
An amused smile, subdued much like Eunhyuk's always is, appears on Viktor's face when Eunhyuk screams out the curse. So this is what it feels like to be on the other side!!! Good job, Eunhyuk...
He also draws in a breath after a moment.]
Fuck!
[They can yell fuck together to get it all out. This is by far the STUPIDEST thing, but somehow... not only does it work, but he doesn't feel as dumb when they both understand.]
no subject
It looked so uncool when he did it... but it's true that when Viktor joins in, he feels better... this is why jocks run naked during undie run because group activities make you brave,]
Fuck!!!
[i want to make a fck buddies joke so bad but i feel like eunhyuk would not make it and it tears me up inside]
no subject
Instead of just smiling, he actually laughs, even if this entire encounter has left it sort of subdued. Still a laugh.]
FUCK!
[They're getting it all out.]