reaching over to brush hair out of his face, shifting over so he has room to lay down as well, raising his eyebrows. he could be an asshole but he is honestly in kind of a good mood despite the grouchiness he has at all times, so. he won't play with his food. ]
[He closes his eyes as his hair is brushed away, and then even though Lucien had considered being MEAN to him, he turns so he can drape his arm across Lucien's middle and rest his head on Lucien's shoulder.
This is such a mistake because if he stays here too long, he'll get so comfortable he'll fall asleep.]
I know you would have, arsehole, I couldn't. You died before I was allowed a confidant. Besides, I wasn't entirely alone ... just don't know how much I'm supposed to speak of it.
anyway he is thinking about the dead coming back earlier and is reminded of all of this again and the past few weeks by saying that and pulls him in just that little bit closer. ]
... I missed you. When you were gone. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't-- have that job.
His draped arm tightens ever so slightly around Lucien's middle.] You would have been okay. [This is just the optimistic saying.
Lucien can be pretty dramatic and unhinged, so Lucien might not have been well about it actually.]
We did... sort of luck out with you being able to talk to us on that side. [He lifts his head so he can prop his chin up on Lucien's chest and peer at him.] I don't... understand still...
Um, what it is about me that you even missed, or like.
he looks a little like he got caught with a hand in the cookie jar when viktor looks up at him when he was in the middle of gently petting through his hair and telling him sincere things, and he makes a face like he's not quite sure what's expected of him here. caught being a huge sap. ]
I don't think it's that complicated. I missed you because you are my friend, you were kind to me when it mattered. You treated me like something that mattered. And you aren't kind in a way that rings false, or as an obligation of some ridiculous station. I think you were kind because you understood. I told you things I've never told anyone, or only to people who are long gone and buried.
You understood, because in a great many ways, we are the same. [ reaching over to run a thumb over his cheek, giving him a half-smile. ] The same in a lot of ways including the fucked up parts, and I like that too.
Slowly, though, he returns the half smile. He reaches up to cup the back of Lucien's hand, leaning his face into it, and then he twists it down again into Lucien's shoulder somewhere just under Lucien's jaw, like he's shy.
He takes it in the same way he has taken other things from Lucien, accepting them pretty quickly because it's Lucien.]
I'm happy everyone is back. I did miss them. But... I'm happiest I got to see you again, even if I would have had to wait along with them for today instead.
[ more about what the power would have allowed him to do. but also other stuff. ]
I kept thinking-- I'm already so angry, so why has this place chosen not to break me? Drive me even more mad than I already am. Maybe it just expected I didn't need the push. I could have slaughtered any of them for a chance to get ahead, or shown them what I can really do if they were so insistent on underestimating me.
But I didn't really want to. I just wanted to bring you back.
[ leave it a little better instead of much, much worse ... ? ]
[Lucien is so dumb. He shifts his arm up so he can brush Lucien's chin and jaw with the tips of his fingers.]
That's because you're a good person, Lucien. I know you and I have... done some pretty ridiculously bad things, but... we do have some regret for them, and our intentions were not entirely bad at the start.
But you are. I've seen it. You're a good person. Deep in here. [He taps Lucien on the chest.] You can still be a good person and make mistakes.
[Also, trying Lucien's schtick out for a moment:]
And I guess I was just too amazing for you to let me stay dead.
Of course you were, darling, and handsome too. Too big a shame to let you rot in the grave.
[ yes that makes him laugh and softens the blow of a very sincere "youre a good person way way way deep inside in a tiny recess of your shrivelled little heart" speech that always makes his stomach twist up in knots. ]
Let's not go crazy here. I will always be an arsehole. As long as we're both on the same page about that.
[Said in the way of being suddenly very embarrassed about compliments. HE'S SHY. Too many people have told him that he doesn't look bad, and he's not sure what to do with this because for so long, he thought his body was hideous and disfigured.
He tugs on some of the front strands of Lucien's hair gently.]
Yes, you will always be an arsehole, [saying this in another accent with an accent already is hell] Lucien, but you'll be my arsehole.
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Then he carefully stretches out and settles in against Lucien's side. APPARENTLY, HE IS ALSO NOW WEARING A BRACELET THAT SAYS BIGāBRAIN.]
We don't have to call it anything. But... just to make sure... We are something...?
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reaching over to brush hair out of his face, shifting over so he has room to lay down as well, raising his eyebrows. he could be an asshole but he is honestly in kind of a good mood despite the grouchiness he has at all times, so. he won't play with his food. ]
Yes, we're something. You are my something.
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This is such a mistake because if he stays here too long, he'll get so comfortable he'll fall asleep.]
Alright. I'm your something then.
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I did throw those 800 crystal rats in the trash, for the record.
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You're so stupid... I would have helped you if you had told me, you know.
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I know you would have, arsehole, I couldn't. You died before I was allowed a confidant. Besides, I wasn't entirely alone ... just don't know how much I'm supposed to speak of it.
I'd have told you everything if I could.
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[But he's amused by this endearing knowledge. Lucien is extremely soft on the inside like a cashmere blankie.]
...I know you would have. It's alright.
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anyway he is thinking about the dead coming back earlier and is reminded of all of this again and the past few weeks by saying that and pulls him in just that little bit closer. ]
... I missed you. When you were gone. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't-- have that job.
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His draped arm tightens ever so slightly around Lucien's middle.] You would have been okay. [This is just the optimistic saying.
Lucien can be pretty dramatic and unhinged, so Lucien might not have been well about it actually.]
We did... sort of luck out with you being able to talk to us on that side. [He lifts his head so he can prop his chin up on Lucien's chest and peer at him.] I don't... understand still...
Um, what it is about me that you even missed, or like.
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he looks a little like he got caught with a hand in the cookie jar when viktor looks up at him when he was in the middle of gently petting through his hair and telling him sincere things, and he makes a face like he's not quite sure what's expected of him here. caught being a huge sap. ]
I don't think it's that complicated. I missed you because you are my friend, you were kind to me when it mattered. You treated me like something that mattered. And you aren't kind in a way that rings false, or as an obligation of some ridiculous station. I think you were kind because you understood. I told you things I've never told anyone, or only to people who are long gone and buried.
You understood, because in a great many ways, we are the same. [ reaching over to run a thumb over his cheek, giving him a half-smile. ] The same in a lot of ways including the fucked up parts, and I like that too.
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Slowly, though, he returns the half smile. He reaches up to cup the back of Lucien's hand, leaning his face into it, and then he twists it down again into Lucien's shoulder somewhere just under Lucien's jaw, like he's shy.
He takes it in the same way he has taken other things from Lucien, accepting them pretty quickly because it's Lucien.]
I'm happy everyone is back. I did miss them. But... I'm happiest I got to see you again, even if I would have had to wait along with them for today instead.
[...]
I'm glad I got to meet you, Lucien Tavelle.
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You ruined every single one of my great plans, so fuck you for that. And also I suppose I'm glad I got to meet you as well.
Thanks for coming back. Even off-schedule.
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Then:]
Every great plan, hm? Like...? Is this about the journal and the Eyes still...?
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[ more about what the power would have allowed him to do. but also other stuff. ]
I kept thinking-- I'm already so angry, so why has this place chosen not to break me? Drive me even more mad than I already am. Maybe it just expected I didn't need the push. I could have slaughtered any of them for a chance to get ahead, or shown them what I can really do if they were so insistent on underestimating me.
But I didn't really want to. I just wanted to bring you back.
[ leave it a little better instead of much, much worse ... ? ]
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That's because you're a good person, Lucien. I know you and I have... done some pretty ridiculously bad things, but... we do have some regret for them, and our intentions were not entirely bad at the start.
But you are. I've seen it. You're a good person. Deep in here. [He taps Lucien on the chest.] You can still be a good person and make mistakes.
[Also, trying Lucien's schtick out for a moment:]
And I guess I was just too amazing for you to let me stay dead.
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[ yes that makes him laugh and softens the blow of a very sincere "youre a good person way way way deep inside in a tiny recess of your shrivelled little heart" speech that always makes his stomach twist up in knots. ]
Let's not go crazy here. I will always be an arsehole. As long as we're both on the same page about that.
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[Said in the way of being suddenly very embarrassed about compliments. HE'S SHY. Too many people have told him that he doesn't look bad, and he's not sure what to do with this because for so long, he thought his body was hideous and disfigured.
He tugs on some of the front strands of Lucien's hair gently.]
Yes, you will always be an arsehole, [saying this in another accent with an accent already is hell] Lucien, but you'll be my arsehole.