Frankly, he immediately drops the food in his hand right onto the floor. And then he almost simultaneously leaps up and back, scattering the chair he had been seated in. It trips him up; he lands down on the ground on his ass, covering his mouth.
Like a terrible nightmare, the feelings linger, the agony, the chaos. His skin breaks out into a cold sweat. For a moment, he thinks he might vomit himself. WHAT IN THE WORLD DID DAHUT JUST GIVE HIM? He cannot fathom watching himself in a mirror, peeling his flesh open like a banana.]
Well, that's also an unpleasant thing to re-experience so it takes him a second to reorient himself BUT IT'S FINE. He's clearly doing better about it than Viktor, who is on his ass on the ground with his food, looking like he's about to (yalter voice) yak.]
Ah, Monsieur Viktor—! [NOT THE PIE no he carefully steps around it to approach this poor man like one might approach a sickly dying rabbit in the field.]
He's pale and stunned. How is Dahut still standing. HOW IS DAHUT STILL ALIVE, HONESTLY? Thinks about how Viktor really had asked later if he and Scien did deep surgery, wow.]
[HE WON'T BE STANDING SOON he's moving to sit next to where Viktor's been sidelined like a spooked little possum, looking at him with obvious concern.]
Are you sure? You don't look well... I can get you your water, if you need it! [THE WATER THAT HE BROUGHT THAT WAS ABANDONED.] ...I'm so sorry you had to see that...
Don't come down here and just SIT with him like that wasn't the worst thing to ever go through in the world. SHAKES THE REST OF THE EMOTIONS OUT OF DAHUT LIKE A RAT.]
N-No... I... I don't need any. [He might in a bit, though.] What... What were you doing to yourself?
[YEAH YEAH!! He sits. He looks a bit like he wants to reach out and hold Viktor's little paw, but he keeps his hands folded on his lap for the time being instead. DON'T SHAKE HIS EMOTIONS OUT HELLO.
He does pause a little at that, though, because he knows it'S OBVIOUS but also, like, he gets it. So.]
...I was upgrading my memory bank. [One of his hands rises, resting against his chest.] That operation is what allows me to feel so much in the clear way that I do now.
[He can hold his paw......he guesses. It can't be any worse than what they have all gone through already, honestly. APPARENTLY. GESTURES AT THIS WRITTEN MEMORY!!!!!!!!!]
Why...? Why... Why yourself? I don't understand. Because he won't help you?
[He knows the subordinates may not have the skills required to do that kinda thing, but. STILL.]
[HOLDS HIS PAW WITH HIS LITTLE SELF-SURGERY PAWS. Sometimes you just have to do some shit because the only other person who can do it REFUSES TO.]
Mm, more or less! Monsieur Scien could have probably done an even better job than I did, but up until reeeally recently, he had no interest in expanding memory capacity at all. He thinks emotions are pretty useless! [TERRIBLE ROBOT MAN.]
But we're the only two who have the skill to upgrade the memory bank, so...
[.........Holds these little terrible paws back. The paws that cut open the outside to get to the inside. Please stop doing insane science (pot, kettle).]
Well, that much is obvious.
[SCIENNNNNNNNNNNNN. GIVE HIM SOME EMOTIONS FOR GOD'S SAKE.]
Why does it matter to you so much that you would go that far? Isn't the most important thing that you can live without dying so soon?
[YEAH THERE'S NO ROOM TO JUDGE HIM HERE!!!! ALSO BEATS YOU UP FOR YOUR CYOA
Anyway Viktor is going to hate this probably, but Dahut just says it with a little smile.]
That's Monsieur Scien's view. To him, the state of the physical body and pushing it beyond twenty-three years is the most important thing. [He frees one hand so he can reach forward, gently tapping over Viktor's heart.] But to me, preserving the emotion that makes a person human is even more important.
We're both Relivers, but like I said - we're still two totally different people. Monsieur Scien's never been a very emotional man, so that reflects in how he views emotions to this day... On the other hand, I value the emotions I held as a human very, very much! So much that I couldn't stand to let them go, even if they would exist in my memory bank as a record. I wanted to experience everything in the same clarity and to the same degree of detail and depth that I did before I became a Reliver.
[Don't look at his heart, it's fragile and weak, and he will one day probably replace it with machinery because it gets in the way. :')]
I see.
[The unfortunate part of being solidly teetering in the middle of Dahut and Scien. Atrocious. HE IS OUT HERE SUFFERING TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH SIDE HE WANTS TO BE ON: team no emotions, they get in the way; or team please begging to have some empathy.]
[DON'T DO THAT!! Can't believe he's going to side with Scien, tch. Dahut will grab him by the paw and drag him bodily onto his team instead.]
For me, personally? Not at all! It makes things easier in a lot of ways. Don't you think it's important to be able to consider the human aspects in difficult decisions? A situation where you have two people who need your help and you only have the resources to save one, for example. The emotional pain and turmoil of weighing the value of those lives is what gives the loss meaning. Being able to coldly and easily choose the logical "best" option devalues the suffering of whomever you can't help. It's a terribly cruel thing...
[A beat as he considers, his smile edged with something a little melancholy.]
But I have other, more selfish reasons, too. I didn't want to lose the love that I have for my late mother, for one.
[Very funny, hearing this. And very funny the entire turmoil with Scien while also getting along so well with Dahut.
He frowns, but it isn't a bad frown. An understanding one. He hasn't fallen over the edge into Scien just yet.]
Well, I can see why I don't get along with your superior then. I feel like this isn't much different than what I screamed at him several times when I was frustrated by his thought process...
I'm sorry. About your mother. If it were me, I would probably be the same.
[SOMETIMES YOU'RE JUST STANDING ON THE HAIR'S EDGE BETWEEN TWO VERY POLARIZING RELIVERS... It happens. He appreciates the understanding that he sees in Viktor's expression, at least.]
It's a thought process that's easy to be frustrated by! I don't blame you. [He thinks Viktor is RIGHT to be frustrated. DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VALUABLE HUMAN HEART TO BECOME A COLD LOGIC MACHINE!! He'll hit Viktor with a brick.
His expression softens further at that, though.]
...Thank you. Letting go of the love you had for people who aren't there anymore feels like a terrible thing to do to them, I think.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Frankly, he immediately drops the food in his hand right onto the floor. And then he almost simultaneously leaps up and back, scattering the chair he had been seated in. It trips him up; he lands down on the ground on his ass, covering his mouth.
Like a terrible nightmare, the feelings linger, the agony, the chaos. His skin breaks out into a cold sweat. For a moment, he thinks he might vomit himself. WHAT IN THE WORLD DID DAHUT JUST GIVE HIM? He cannot fathom watching himself in a mirror, peeling his flesh open like a banana.]
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Well, that's also an unpleasant thing to re-experience so it takes him a second to reorient himself BUT IT'S FINE. He's clearly doing better about it than Viktor, who is on his ass on the ground with his food, looking like he's about to (yalter voice) yak.]
Ah, Monsieur Viktor—! [NOT THE PIE no he carefully steps around it to approach this poor man like one might approach a sickly dying rabbit in the field.]
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He's pale and stunned. How is Dahut still standing. HOW IS DAHUT STILL ALIVE, HONESTLY? Thinks about how Viktor really had asked later if he and Scien did deep surgery, wow.]
I--I'm... I'm alright. Wh... Dahut?
[EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!!]
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Are you sure? You don't look well... I can get you your water, if you need it! [THE WATER THAT HE BROUGHT THAT WAS ABANDONED.] ...I'm so sorry you had to see that...
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Don't come down here and just SIT with him like that wasn't the worst thing to ever go through in the world. SHAKES THE REST OF THE EMOTIONS OUT OF DAHUT LIKE A RAT.]
N-No... I... I don't need any. [He might in a bit, though.] What... What were you doing to yourself?
[LIKE HE KNOWS, BUT HE IS SO RATTLED NOW.]
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He does pause a little at that, though, because he knows it'S OBVIOUS but also, like, he gets it. So.]
...I was upgrading my memory bank. [One of his hands rises, resting against his chest.] That operation is what allows me to feel so much in the clear way that I do now.
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Why...? Why... Why yourself? I don't understand. Because he won't help you?
[He knows the subordinates may not have the skills required to do that kinda thing, but. STILL.]
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Mm, more or less! Monsieur Scien could have probably done an even better job than I did, but up until reeeally recently, he had no interest in expanding memory capacity at all. He thinks emotions are pretty useless! [TERRIBLE ROBOT MAN.]
But we're the only two who have the skill to upgrade the memory bank, so...
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Well, that much is obvious.
[SCIENNNNNNNNNNNNN. GIVE HIM SOME EMOTIONS FOR GOD'S SAKE.]
Why does it matter to you so much that you would go that far? Isn't the most important thing that you can live without dying so soon?
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Anyway Viktor is going to hate this probably, but Dahut just says it with a little smile.]
That's Monsieur Scien's view. To him, the state of the physical body and pushing it beyond twenty-three years is the most important thing. [He frees one hand so he can reach forward, gently tapping over Viktor's heart.] But to me, preserving the emotion that makes a person human is even more important.
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Yes, but... Why? I just... never expected the two of you to... not agree on something like that, I guess. Being you're both... Relivers.
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We're both Relivers, but like I said - we're still two totally different people. Monsieur Scien's never been a very emotional man, so that reflects in how he views emotions to this day... On the other hand, I value the emotions I held as a human very, very much! So much that I couldn't stand to let them go, even if they would exist in my memory bank as a record. I wanted to experience everything in the same clarity and to the same degree of detail and depth that I did before I became a Reliver.
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I see.
[The unfortunate part of being solidly teetering in the middle of Dahut and Scien. Atrocious. HE IS OUT HERE SUFFERING TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH SIDE HE WANTS TO BE ON: team no emotions, they get in the way; or team please begging to have some empathy.]
Doesn't that make what you do harder?
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For me, personally? Not at all! It makes things easier in a lot of ways. Don't you think it's important to be able to consider the human aspects in difficult decisions? A situation where you have two people who need your help and you only have the resources to save one, for example. The emotional pain and turmoil of weighing the value of those lives is what gives the loss meaning. Being able to coldly and easily choose the logical "best" option devalues the suffering of whomever you can't help. It's a terribly cruel thing...
[A beat as he considers, his smile edged with something a little melancholy.]
But I have other, more selfish reasons, too. I didn't want to lose the love that I have for my late mother, for one.
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[Very funny, hearing this. And very funny the entire turmoil with Scien while also getting along so well with Dahut.
He frowns, but it isn't a bad frown. An understanding one. He hasn't fallen over the edge into Scien just yet.]
Well, I can see why I don't get along with your superior then. I feel like this isn't much different than what I screamed at him several times when I was frustrated by his thought process...
I'm sorry. About your mother. If it were me, I would probably be the same.
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It's a thought process that's easy to be frustrated by! I don't blame you. [He thinks Viktor is RIGHT to be frustrated. DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VALUABLE HUMAN HEART TO BECOME A COLD LOGIC MACHINE!! He'll hit Viktor with a brick.
His expression softens further at that, though.]
...Thank you. Letting go of the love you had for people who aren't there anymore feels like a terrible thing to do to them, I think.